No-Way-Ned never said any word but “no.”
“Would you like to see a picture show?”
“No.”
“Want to fish and watch the river flow?”
“No.”
“Want to plant a garden and help it grow?”
“No.”
“Do you ever say yes?”
“No.”
“Do you think I'm the best?”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.
“Yes. Yes. Yes.”
“No. No. No.”
“Yes!”
“No!”
“NO!”
“YES!”
“HA! Gotcha.”

If you try to take an old man's cane,
he'll use it to give you a 'whack!'
If you try to take an old lady's purse,
she'll use it to give you a 'thwack!'

If you try to take an old man's false teeth,
he'll use them to give you a 'chomp!'
If you try to take an old lady's shoe,
she'll use it to give you a 'stomp!'

But if you take an elderly person's advice,
they'll be sure to treat you nice.

Jimmy John Johnson can tie up his boot
using nothing at all but his toes.
Little Brad Brady can toot on a flute
by sticking it right up his nose.

Todd can juggle nine feral cats
while balancing atop Jared's head.
This he does while Jared bounces
up and down on a box spring bed.

In one bite Alex eats an entire cake,
and Sue can swing by her hair.
Ted can pole-vault with a gardening rake,
and flip as he flies through the air.

Billy can croak just like a toad,
and Gertrude sings opera soprano.
Together they took their show on the road
with a dog trained in classical piano.

Aaron eats bugs, and Rex gives hugs
to porcupines, spiders, and snakes.
Two liters of root beer Freddy can chug,
but Emily can drink a whole lake.

So many talents, so much to share,
oh won't you add yours to the mix?
Step forward please, if you dare,
and show us one of your tricks.

I have a doggy vacuum
that cleans up what I spill.
He sits beneath the table
at every single meal.

If my spoon slips or drips,
my doggy slurps and burps.
If I so much as dribble,
I hear my doggy nibble.

My dog is so efficient,
he doesn't miss a crumb.
Sometimes he'll even clean my plate
before I'm all the way . . . Hey!

Where's my cheeseburger?!

Grab yer saddle and spurs,
yer ridin' boots 'n reins.
Now mount yer ride,
a piggy's hide,
and gallup across the plains!

My ham can outrun any horse.
I'll prove it; come on, let's race.
You count to three,
and soon you will see,
a pig's the top-dog in a chase.

There's nothin' like riding a hog;
an oinker is a mighty fine beast.
He's so fast he flies,
and if'n he dies,
we'll have ourselves a nice feast.

So while I'm riding today,
I'll dig in my spurs nice and deep,
to pre-tenderize
the piggy's sides
for tonight I'm eatin' rib meat.

You have heard the classic fable
from the philosopher named Aesop;
how the slow and steady tortoise
trumped the bunny's speedy hop.

'Tis indeed no more than a fable,
for I watched the entire race.
How old Aesop tells the story
isn't quite how it took place.

Click "Read More" to finish "Tortoise and Hare: The True Version"

Fergy the frog
sits on his log
catching some bugs for his lunch.
His long sticky tongue
strikes like a snake,
sticks to a beetle, and “Crunch!”

There goes a bee
buzzing on by.
“Crack!” like a whip goes the tongue.
The bee frantically buzzes.
There's a snap and a gulp.
Fergy's fast; his tongue is not stung.

A spider creeps
across the ground;
eight legs working a mile a minute.
Out shoots the tongue
from Fergy's big mouth;
in an instant, the spider is in it.

“There's nothing,” boasts Fergy,
“faster than I.
Just try me, I'll catch you, you'll see!”
Then out hops a frog
from behind Fergy's log.
Upon seeing her, Fergy's smitten instantly.

Click "Read More" to finish "Fergy's Tale"

Hitchhiker Joe
sticks out his toe;
he'd give a thumbs up
if he had one to show.

By the side of the road
the hitchhiker stands
holding his foot out
instead of his hand.

When Joe gets picked up,
his ride won't go far:
one whiff of Joe's foot
and he's out of the car.

It's too bad for Joe
that the very same toe
that gets him a ride
smells like something that died.

Bring out your tales,
your jokes, rhymes, and riddles.
Set them to firelight,
to flashlight, to fiddles.

Sweep us away
with mysterious songs
of far away lands
and dark dwarveish throngs.

Recite loud your stories,
the ever so thrilling,
the thoughtful, the silly,
the frightful bone-chilling.

Oh tell us your musings,
and show us your arts;
set our minds soaring,
and let loose our hearts!

There once was a wealthy, well-to-do mouse
who lived in a hole in a wall in a house.
He kept a store of finely aged cheese,
like cheddar, swiss, havarti and bri.

One day for a feast he ate every last bit.
Now, back out of his hole he could not quite fit.
That fattened plump mouse tried to chew a new hole,
but as he ate through he continued to grow.

Click "Read More" to finish "A Cheesy Tale"